Due to the confusion and frustration over the traffic situation at Riverside, the Pirates’ Hook created an easy-to-understand guide to getting out of school before sunset:
- Escaping the building. Be prepared for any and all situations. At 4:10, line up outside your fourth period teacher’s door, holding your car keys and wallet. Take off any sweaters you may be wearing as you are about to leave the air conditioned arctic conditions and enter a normal-temperature climate. It may take a while for your body to adjust to 75 degrees. It is also advisable to bring a fly swatter to shove in people’s faces as you rush through the hallway. In these halls, it is a free-for-all. You might be trampled, pushed over, or crowd-crushed in your haste to exit the building. That’s just life. The Hook also recommends wearing neon every day so that people can see you from afar and move away before you ram into them.
- BARFing. Once you make it outside, ignore the sweat dripping down your face and sprint to your car. Make sure to avoid other sprinting children, tree roots, steps, and cars backing out. The Hook recommends a comprehensive training in martial arts to combat this situation. You must be Barbaric, Agile, Ruthless, and Fast: BARF.
- Exiting the lot. Once you get in your car, crank the AC and start backing out. Speed through the parking lot and merge into the car line, whether or not the other cars let you go. You always have the right of way.
- Playing the game of chance. Now, it is time to navigate the traffic flow. Some people claim to be confused about this system, even though it is very simple and foolproof. First, turn towards the teacher lot and try to get through before the gate closes. If you are the last car to go through, you might narrowly miss being hit by the gate. If you are the first car not to make it through you will get hit by the gate, but that is the price you pay. Shame on you for not following steps 1-3. You are a disgrace. Now, you must hang your head in shame and make a three point turn to drive back towards the front entrance.
- Agony. You wait in the car line for centuries. You shuffle through your entire music library. Countries rise and fall. Wars are fought, lives are lost, Taylor Swift wins the 2024 presidential election. The sun explodes, but you don’t notice, because you’re waiting dutifully in line. You may encounter a few speed bumps in your journey here, so remember that the point of speed bumps is speed! Go as fast as you can over them, even if this means bumping into the car in front of you. When you finally reach the junior lot and see cars trying to merge, cut them all off. You had to suffer, so they should, too.
- Success! (Or Failure.) Finally, the end is near! As you turn out of the school, blast “We are the Champions” and check what time it is. Hopefully it’s earlier than 6 pm.
