Peg Leg: Riverside to adopt new stoplight in effort to mitigate traffic related issues

By: Eden Mae Richman and Tate Gasch

Graphic by: Sadie Irby

Last Thursday, at 3:20am, a student was snoring in his car. He had been waiting in the carline traffic for an estimated 11 consecutive hours.

Theater tech teacher William Holly came upon the student while driving his segway around campus and immediately got hold of the school’s Student Committee for Removal of Carline Disruptions (SCRCD). 

The school’s administration was informed of this incident by Friday morning. Following an emergency meeting with SCRCD, the two groups released a joint statement.  

“We are shocked and horrified that this could have happened,” the statement read. “This requires immediate action.”

168 hours later, a stoplight appeared 15 feet past the stop sign at the entrance of the school. 

“After a brief, 20-minute red light on all sides to allow for pedestrian traffic the light will switch to yellow, allowing all new drivers to decide whether or not to go,” School Crossing Guard Will Okun stated in an assembly dedicated to communicating new stoplight rules. “Of course, the parents will be prioritized, and the students who have been on campus for eight hours already will be left to argue over the right-of-way.”

“I don’t know about this,” said newly licensed sophomore driver, Diana Braha. “I slept through the entirety of Driver’s Ed. Apparently you are not supposed to stop on train tracks?” 

Principal Gloria Woods-Weeks addressed the issue in minute 37 of her announcements Tuesday morning. 

“We hope that the Riverside student body sees this as an opportunity to grow, change, live, breathe, learn, roll, celebrate, rejoice, and overcome,” Woods-Weeks said. “Pirates, remember: keep the main thing the main thing. Your quote of the day is from Barack Obama: ‘Growing and changing is like school where we drive fast and slow and diversity.’” 

Residents in Riverside’s vicinity have expressed enthusiasm about the stoplight.

Many of these households are located along Luther Road, the exit utilized by seniors, parents, disgruntled citizens confusing the school for a drive-thru line, teachers, lost dogs, buses, and freshmen searching for the pool on the roof. 

“Hopefully people will stop driving through my dining room to avoid the traffic and get to Rose of Sharon,” a neighbor said. “I can’t afford to buy a new dining room table every day!” 

“Like most of Riverside’s facilities, this light will be barely functional,” noted history teacher Anna Allman. 

Some students have expressed confusion after a brief malfunction resulted in the stoplight prototype flashing purple during peak traffic. 

“I appreciate the school spirit, but I just want to get home before the sun sets,” said one student. “I might finally be able to make it to work on time. I’ve already been fired from five jobs this semester alone!”  

In lieu of this new stoplight, Okun will be reassigned to modeling duties. 

“Maybe this will work?” senior Kate Patillo said. “I’m going to miss seeing Dr. Okun in his cute little neon vest, though.”

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